Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Bluebird by Charles Bukowski

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out but
I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see you.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out but
I pour whiskey on him and inhale cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks never know that
he's in there.



there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay down,
do you want to mess me up?
you want to screw up the works?
you want to blow my book sales in Europe?


there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out but I'm too clever,
I only let him out at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be sad.


then I put him back,
but he's singing a little in there,
I haven't quite let him die
and we sleep together like that
with our secret pact and it's nice enough
to make a man weep, but I don't weep, do you?




P.S. This was published in Bukowski's book "The Last Night of the Earth Poems" circa 1992

Monday, September 6, 2010

The Snake I Feared


What's the most lethal Snake on this earth ? 


When asked, the answers I got many.... from the African Black Mamba to the Indian King Cobra, from the Ancient Basilisk to the Amazonian Boa Constrictor and so many other deadly names of the dangerous slithering vipers. 

I got scared. 

I paused and then realized only Snake I should fear is what had me just bitten.





Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The car broke down, we did push push...

Today’s morning was as usual, mundane. Waking up early, getting ready. Gobbling few bites with a quick slurp of tea. Zooming to the car, BAM! Slamming the door, and zapping through the morning traffic. While driving, a middle aged man was moronically crossing the road, without giving a look what was coming in his way. I with my moral obligation gave him a stern flying comment : "don’t you have any brakes on your feet?" He stared hard and so did I with more intensity. Then blabbering to myself, this morons are polluting the class of jay walkers. They lack the basic acrobatic skills. Few more morons I faced during rest of my drive. I was punctual as usual but only got it by whisker, as usual. I passed the key to our home caretaker and told him to drive the car back home safely. This is the picture, in a regular entrainment happens over and over in my life , like all other things that happen daily.

About almost two hours later, mother called. Tensed. She told me the car hadn't  arrived back. So many possibilities passed my mind, in a flash. Zoom! Each of them was worst than previous.Possibilities are astronomically enormous. Ranging from bone tickling funny to sordid gruesome.Good, it happened in salt lake. If the stage was to be set on the vastness of main city kolkata…rest you can imagine! I hung up, telling her not to worry, because I am here to make things all right.

Easier it was said than done. I was clueless. I fumbled to the girl I was talking to, made vague excuses and zapped out from there. On the street, a fear of uncertainty grappled within me. Told you, possibilities are enormous. I rushed to the rickshaw stand. Hailed the standing one in queue and told him precisely what I’m going to look for in the by rodes of salt lake, within the possibilities of trajectories from that place to the way back home. And the search begun. I asked the rickshaw-wala if any road accident happened. Answer was negative but at the same time load inside me was getting heavy.

Tension dissolved. Ma called me back telling me the exact location of the place where the car had broken down. Achinto da has lost his mobile few moths back. And this lost baggage has given him a big relief by providing an excuse of not being available to the people he works for. So while he pushed the car to a more safer place with most tactile maneuver possible, we were being frenzied. Anyway, all’s well that goes well. I got there ASAP.

Immense , yes that’s the word. Immense relief prevailed when I got a glance of my car. I called dad over phone . He was as usual cool and a pillar support whenever things go wrong with me. And better he restrained himself from bragging me about the car he drives himself, always reminding me how good are this new cars with all those features. As if with all new things he gets, the old becomes someone elses! But fact is , I am touchy about my good old car. I love it. I have so many memories with it, and with all of it’s predecessors. Don’t find it funny, I treat cars of any make with reverence. It’s a fetish I nurture. Like my fetishes with shoes, watches, and bags !

The mechanic asked me if we can somehow manage to move at home with the car, as he can’t come right now. With all the symptoms at hand, dad told me: might be like last time it’s the distributor system’s problem. So we have to drive it in a steady way. When it stops, where ever it stops, we have to wait to allow the engine to become cool and then have to move ahead. Daunting. We started. The car got stopped at some crossing next time. It was an ideal hit by bus and run for your life place. Both me and Achinto da had to get out of the car to give it a push. Achinto da steered and pushed from the front while I was pushing from the back. It was a treat for the passerby! To see a well dressed girl to push a car, not everyone sees on their way. But they only laughed. I giggled back.

Getting into the safe alley nearer home. I took a break and took a snap of Achinto pushing the car. Wish someone could be there to take my snap of pushing and getting reduced to perspiration. It’d have provided me a helluva of inspiration later on. So the credo was push, push and push. I kept thinking if it’s a toy car, I could have pulled it. Mechanically more apt. Crazy thoughts. Never go away. This way and that way, finally we reached home. And the world got saved.

P.S : The car came back from the garage. She is okay. Only was a minor problem. She’s gonna stay with me for better and for the best. I am happy with a smile on my face.


here is an addendum with the photo :
an unmistakable fact came upon me while I was seeing the photo later on : Next time I should be more appreciative towards the sartorial senses of Achinto da. His lethal combo of green tee and orange bermuda was quite an apt attire for pushing the car on street, while mine was quite a blunder, brown tee with jeans and pushing a brown car while buses kept coming with great roars from behind on the prime office time. Vulnerable. According to my cousin, Achinto da is more like the version of Bilbo Baggins, more than what meets the eye!


Coming into light...end of the tunnel

I used to feel amused whenever I'd come across anyone wailing in despair. Well, basically I'm not that type of going overboard on emotional terrains. Quietness and solitude, I feel comfortable with. I enjoy good laugh while contemplating alone over sun besetting at the western sky. The birds coming back to their nest or flocking at the higher turrets in neighborhood, creating a dulcet chirping backdrop. A sad overtone was always there, breeding within the core of my quietness. But this time it was different. This time I wasn't strong. Eager to rebound on my own like I did before. Not this time. This time for the very first moment, I felt the pain that comes with it, it wasn't a luxury. The more I tried to show my back  to it. the more it get over my shoulders like a phantom, bound to haunt me.

What is scary? Do you know ? The scariest thing is when you try to make yourself forget something with all your might, summoning all your will...yet you find it's not waning, not leaving , not going away. The scariest thing is when your right side of brain keeps telling you the coldest logics, dissecting each and every facts up to their farthest bottom and making yourself submissive to the nemesis, yet your left brain keep telling you to look beyond the glass ceiling and to keep the fool's hope kindled. Hope is good as long as it's validated by standings of facts. I still abhor the way people makes the show of grief a staggering opera performance. But I also feel the empathy that makes that whole thing being staged.Only now I can feel it.Only now.

But with all and everything, I am not ashamed to feel blues and I am not awkward to express it, even if it sounds pathetic. I know I won't make it pathetic. I will retrace the footsteps and become a brood like I used to be. But I do have something. That survives me. Faith. Somehow I do have this immense faith on me. That no matter how deep is water, I'll swim across. Somehow. Cause I am far from figuring out, how it works. Maybe life compels us to learn. My learning curve never reaches a peak. I learn and still falter and again I learn. I am alive and so I do exist. My faith keeps me going. That one day it will be good. Not only for a few moments passing by. That time, it will stay with me for a while.




''All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.


From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.''

Thursday, July 15, 2010

What was she thinking? Photo-shopped memories...

She had a picture perfect childhood along its memories. But she's feeling lately that in few places if it could be photo-shopped, cropping out a few people who're hazardous and making that left behind vacant portions filled up by the soothing pastel moments, that could've been a hell lot of fun. Forgetting was her forte. But now it's more like a horror when she's trying to wipe out something, yet she can't.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

To my gravedigger

I'm almost on a verge to check in the heartbreak hotel. The partouze will soon be over, I'll wear the same mourning clothes just like everyone, but let that be on tomorrow. Today I'll live like there was no tomorrow to think about. There will be no tomorrow to look forward. It's today that only have I got. So do not scorn me for being a fool to dream on. It's today I live. It's today that always stays with me forever, making my limits stretched to immortality.


I'm abhorring the sights of the people exhibiting the grief  in manifolds, cloaked like the old druids within the circle of Stonehenge...forgetting it was the life we all supposed to celebrate. Grief is inevitable but erecting a disfigured tomb of Nosferatu, like a melancholy franchise.... hardly I can afford that. Tears drips down but it's the Lestat, I've chosen myself to become. Trying to find a meaning from the darkness within .

I'm human—my "memory is no more than a sieve". Time heals all wounds for my kind."Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me''...it will; what I'm finding hardest to forgo, it will pass over with each trickle of warm blood through my veins.

But still a question rages within, whether is it out of compulsion we are made prone to sadness? The whole erection of vampire Nosferatu is sucking my blood and leaving me numb. Battles are lost without being fought. Self-appointed adversities are vindictive about my slipping away. I'd tried to rise up and to feel the taste of rouge but I didn't care. It wasn't a disaster. I lost two cities, lovely ones, a vaster realm once I called my own. Many emotions were washed down when the banks of the two rivers on those two places were flooded. Like places, peoples were lost too. No, it's still not a disaster. Though it looks like one. And it will look like so, when I will lose the city I'm in, with the river flowing through it, people I loved here and the whole the continent.

Pertinent problem I'm facing is : when I try to look back in some of those few moments, I thought I complete. I don't find any faces to remember. The faces, those were visible then, not that I'd to imagine them. But back in here, now it's only words I do remember. Black and white words of happiness, sorrow, despair, joy and exhilaration. I'm not allowed to dream. No no, not here. Elsewhere I am free. Here it would be bad, like it's worse to take someone else's toy while they were asleep. Bound to my little existent conscience, through the mazes in my sub conscious what roams and haunts my dream is only memories. But memories devoid of moments. It's only the dialogues but who are delivering them, can't be seen. I slept today and for last few days only with words swirling inside my mind. Without any shapes and feel. Only the past is always dancing in the tune of my present.

Still under the splendid suns, around the veil of morning mists and along the blowing winds....life is worthy of all the turmoils. While the few glimpses of serene peace are the reflections of those moments where I've fallen in love with it over and over again.

Thought home could be a safer refuge, going there...back in home, spending few moments in reflection of past meets present would assuage the suffocation. But suddenly the barriers got forged stronger and higher...it's seeming impossible to scale. Not really, but what seems as what they are. I miss my winters back home. I miss the prolonged autumns, ushering with rainy showers while stretched along with dewy mists. I miss the dry springs with sudden arrival of storms over parched advent in summer. I don't miss the summer that much. May be because I am going through my balmy summers. That's gonna be staying around for a while. In fact I miss my home and the small town but never agree to the fact that I do...deep rooted it might seem that I know, I can never go back home, stuck at the carousal of metropolis, I'm not going to find out the reason behind my self denial, not that the truth would be something I must avoid at all cost, I felt it long before I can express, but I know somehow that I don't want to be liberated from that bondage, knotted somewhere, better remain not found and untouched. 

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

My Ghost Story : an autopsy on my kill


kill the bull.
As many as you want...
Their stomping in virility only creates disturbia.


But...


"Remember it's a sin to kill a mockingbird...Mockingbirds don't do one thing but make music for us to enjoy... but sing their hearts out for us. That's why it's a sin to kill a mockingbird.''


A bull only needs a bulldozer , nothin' else.

________________________________

Sunday, July 11, 2010

A mixed aftertaste

''হায় বুদ্ধিহীন মানবহৃদয় ! ভ্রান্তি কিছুতেই ঘোচে না, যুক্তিশাস্ত্রের বিধান বহুবিলম্বে মাথায় প্রবেশ করে, প্রবল প্রমাণকেও অবিশ্বাস করিয়া মিথ্যা আশাকে দুই বাহুপাশে বাঁধিয়া বুকের ভিতরে প্রাণপণে জড়াইয়া ধরিতে যায়, অবশেষে একদিন সমস্ত নাড়ী কাটিয়া হৃদয়ের রক্ত শুষিয়া সে পলায়ন করে, তখন চেতনা হয় এবং দ্বিতীয় ভ্রান্তিপাশে পড়িবার জন্য চিত্ত ব্যাকুল হইয়া উঠে |'' by Rabindranath Tagore


Friday, July 9, 2010

Autumn Day / Rainer Maria Rilke


Lord: it is time. The summer was immense.
Lay your shadow on the sundials
and let loose the wind in the fields.

Bid the last fruits to be full;
give them another two more southerly days,
press them to ripeness, and chase
the last sweetness into the heavy wine.

Whoever has no house now will not build one
anymore.
Whoever is alone now will remain so for a long
time,
will stay up, read, write long letters,
and wander the avenues, up and down,
restlessly, while the leaves are blowing.

_________________________________



Sunday, July 4, 2010

Yonder the horizon, I'll untether my wings

A girl like me. A lazy girl like me. A lazy girl who doesn't look like a couch potato but can give any of them run for their money on any given day...ok enough! Here's a confession. It's the day five. Exact 5 days ago on 29th June, I suddenly clicked and made this blog happen. Oh yes! JLT! But the name was decided a long ago, exactly a self coined phrase "Sméagol & the Orange marmalade", I use it for myself now and then. I'm feeling like hitting the sack again. But still it's good to know that it's good. Before retracing the footsteps and exploring that beyond horizon.





But I would like to listen more. It might be a hiatus from the flow, and will provide some moments of solitude, I pine only now and then with a stop gap of intermittent frequencies. I started the blog because I wanted to see how much I can pull with a theme of a colour which is not my best colour at all. Yes, Orange, I like them to see, but in my room there hardly any code orange. My favourite colour is something from a very different spectrum. But I like all the colours and now more I see to it , more an orange-Y world is taking shape right in front of me and it's beautiful. There're few things in my head, few drafts which may spill and take shape as more orange-Y . Let see where it takes. But a word of caution, next thing would be a depth charge, not an Orange candy.

The irony is we take a pause during conversation only to start again, rebounding back but in the meanwhile we forget the most important part, listening.

I've said it already. I want to listen. Listen to what matters most and what may stir attention.

Listening is important, if we don't want to end up like the wicked queen, who'd only listened what she wanted to, overlooking the truth in the magic mirror. I keep losing that magic mirror more often. Sometime someone else holds that for me. But I can't be precious. So this time I seek my own magic mirror and I'll keep that for a while.

There might be few more orange-Y-ness to come but the colour will be on the backdrop to make a dark matter look lesser grim. Told you, it would be a hard hitting allegro not a serenade. Meanwhile let me untether my wings. While I'll roam around the farthest corner, darkest nook of the labyrinth of the dark alleys, where only shadows loom large, might be on my way back, I'll make myself understand again the importance of light.

I'd made a line from Plath's ''Mad Girl's Love Song'' as something of my very own,"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.'', but that was before the wake of my naiveté. Though, might be I'm still high on it. At least now I also know, "I have to believe that when my eyes are closed, the world's still there"... and "We all need mirrors to remind ourselves who we are. I'm no different."

Friday, July 2, 2010

I dreamt an Orange-Y dream : a dream comes and goes but never stays

Prologue [on 11th July, prior to the Final match] : This awesome self caricature is created by Avik Kumar Maitra, living in Groningen, Nederland...one of the biggest German supporters I've ever come across, still mourning over that Octopusy glitch, hope last night's win may have assuaged his pain. Thanks Avikda, for giving a free rein to be creative beside your creation. But I'm being in a ''messed up messiah'' state for now, couldn't have doffed off something more original along with it, thereby incorporating it here. "আসছে world cup নাহয় আবার হবে !''

Here's the main post :
I've been supporting Germany since birth, JLT. It's a common de facto in any urban Indian household [ not about only supporting FIFA teams, but being soccer frenzied ] , specially if that house speaks in Bengali ;-) . Basically Brazil supporters are much more in volume and weight. They are omnipresent. Like in my house, my whole household goes gaga over Brazil and that would make Lady Gaga insecured and frowned up instead of being a poker faced.

But since the time, I don't know when, I do like Orange-y Nederland...might be it was during grade 2 primary school. I was fascinated by center forward Ruud Gullit, basically by his curly locks. Now come on! I do have same kind of curls and I know how hellish they could be but still he made it, '' oh! so nice'' ...so Orange-Y or Not Orange-y, I do support them. And...and It has been proven we all do feel solidarity with the underdogs. And please don't give me that C-R-A-P of Brazil being underdog heroes! Frankly they are elite in this universe, where in any game a caste system builts up right out of thin air. In classrooms, toppers are elitist. In society, the rich are elitist. In soccer field so is Brazil. And their economy is booming like ours and like SA [ remember the IBSA lobby, we all three have formed as a superpower of future where China is trying to make a desperate entry in United Nations ! ]

But the pain in my heart is , who will win the next QF match? Germany is my favourite but all my peers are going gung ho about Argentines :( , on the street of kolkata blue-white stripped flags are hanging from the sky. Zugzwang zugzwang zugzwang , like life, you can't have your cake and eat it all the time my pearly peers :D. I'm humble. Might be Germany , might be Argentina. It's a Klose call, I'm pining my vuvuzela for the former.

But when will my country be playing on the FIFA World Cup? For real. I am not the one to be easily satisfied, at least not on this. So after getting to see the FIFA cup right in front of me , within a distance of few centimeters , I am sentimental. It's the dream, that comes and goes but never stays. It would be a blasphemy of highest degree to expect my country's 'effwitted' football officials to get up so early from their deep pocketed slumbers. Better they be off to sleep, like our forefathers, we will keep supporting either Europe or Latin America, without realizing the ''Mammaries of our Soccer Welfare'', we will be obliged to keep supporting Brazil as a pseudo nation under the shadows of the giants.

P.S. :But one of my deed, I'm feelin' good about, I've got this opportunity to support the cause ''1 Goal Education For All''.

And here comes the latest P.S. : Brazil is sent off by the mighty Orange-Y, good to see the status quo being crumbled down, I will drive the speed roller over the rest!! :)

Orange-Y Madness





Maverick! Surely I am not joking, all he'd wanted and sang for it...
"I want to have my Orange Juice...Juju jus jus Orange Juice..."
See the video, and forget it, but I bet you won't forget the beat and the tempo. The streak of madness is quite contagious. It's ubiquitous. Brings out the zest within.
If there is any, get sure about that first. If it seems lost. Don't stare blank at your PC screen, go out in wild and find it. Fast, be quick!
Now, did he get it at last ? The Orange Juice. Well, Sarah ran down to her fridge to pour him a glass!! :)
Once our synthetic chem. professor told us, that education is lending your ears to everything without losing your temper. Surely it's the humility and innocence embracing the unknown that keep the STARS apart.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Orange-Y Likenesss : An ode to Orange

Many reasons,I do have a likeness for anything that goes like more orange-y...smell of orange flowers, squirting orange peels into each other's faces when we were all kids. I am in love, with the smell and taste of oranges. If oranges were purple instead of orange-y, I'd have loved them with same candor. Personally I am not into incorporating orange into my wardrobe, simply this isn't my colour, it looks palatable and what looks palatable can't be or rather shouldn't be worn.
;-)




GOLDSPOT, we all had it in childhood. At least, if you've lived in 90's India. Goldspot and Uncle chips were our integral part of having brush ups with non existent junk foods on that era.
It was great, softy and so children always had it for their outings. Gradually we graduated into Coke and Pepsi. But Goldspot holds a similar fondness inside our heart. Tangy sweet, making our tongue orange-Y while tickling it with it's sour notes and making our little hands and dresses sticky in spills and swirls. RIP Goldspot.


A regular incidence of childhood, baba after returning from work, used to take me out for a walk to the park nearby. And the bate was, either I can have a Goldspot or a Kwality ice-cream. Not both. I used to choose one on my way to the park but on returning home I used to nag for the other one, they both were amazing like the"wunderbar"....another one to RIP with the dusty Goldspot bottles Thankfully Snickers and other orange fizz came to fill up the void with similar calorific gluttony. Though I'm more into coke now, liquid or powdered.






Now let's get down to the business, shall we? why my blog has gotten such a compounded weird name, Sméagol & the Orange marmalade ?! Orange Marmalade is my favourite and only jam I can withstand on the breakfast table. I do have a ''Lord of the rings'' hangover, so Gollum's hissing of ''m(ah)y preciousss'' is bitter-sweet to my ears. A big Godfather hangover is there but all can't be incorporated at the same place, just imagine the horror if the blog goes by the name of ''Sméagol & the Orange marmalade : straightened them out'' . So I'm leaving the gun behind and taking the cannoli instead. Safe and sweet. It's all about having a Sicilian Orange in my heart.:)


Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Where the home is...



Isaiah 11:6:
"In that day the wolf and the lamb will live together;
the leopard will lie down with the baby goat.
The calf and the yearling will be safe with the lion,
and a little child will lead them all."

Surely we all dream about that day, the day when people will forget to be rude, under the marmalade sky and the tangerine trees children will play, no giants will stop them. Babies laughter will sound like sweet lemon drops. Over the rainbow, somewhere that place exists, our very own Ithaca...that we all carry in our heart. We carry within us. We take our refuge there to sober down any sorrows and wails.That place is like a land of tears, yes...such a secret place. A very place of our own where our streaks of madness of any degree, our laughters and giggles are all unbound and free. That's a place where we build our sanctuary. All our abstract thoughts take shape and become our raison d'être. That place makes us what we really are, or better what we could become one day. It's a journey home. The destination is unknown but the sceneries and landscapes around are wonderful.